Being Broken

Nov 5, 2014
4 min read

I'm broken. Day in, and day out, I keep going - but I remain broken.

I don't think most people understand what it's like to simply be broken. What does that word even mean? By definition, broken is defined as having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order; having given up all hope; despairing.

On one hand, I'd say that describes me perfectly.. but on the other hand, that's only touching the surface of what being broken truly feels like. Yes, I'm happy. I smile every day. I have fun. I laugh. I play. I dance. I have tons of friends. I'm successful. I'm blessed beyond anything I could ever ask for.. but I cry, too. I hurt, every day & every night. I just choose not to show it. I hide behind my pain, behind the fear of what people will think, how they will react.

Being broken isn't even a feeling, or an emotion - it's a state of being. It's when you've reached your limit. It's when so much has happened, so much weight is on your shoulders, you eventually just go numb. You still live, you still go on with life, but how? Because being truly broken, also builds the kind of strength one can only imagine having. Not many people experience this type of strength. Not many people even want to, because of the pain it takes to obtain it.

I'm writing this today because it hit me last night, how broken I am. I've always known, but I always forget. I think I forget on purpose. Deep down, I just want to be "normal," and be happy. But what's normal anyway? We all have our struggles, our trials, our tribulations - everything happens for a reason, and we should embrace that.

Every Tuesday night I have class. When I was in the Navy, I was an IT. & last night in class, all we were being lectured on was IT lessons. I cannot even describe the pit I felt in my stomach. I only lasted 1 out of the 4 hours of class, before I ran out and left. The flashbacks of my Navy experience were coming at me full force last night, and it felt like my PTSD was just going to hold onto me and never let go. It felt like I was suffocating. I ran out of class, I collapsed on the concrete, and just started to cry.

One of my best friends called me, and I can't get what he said out of my mind. He said, "Kayla, this is what you do. You're gonna get up, go home, relax, breathe, and you're gonna try again next week - because that's what you do. You're strong, and you've made it so far, and done more than most people could ever do with everything you've been through."

Being broken doesn't mean you're done. It doesn't mean you failed. It doesn't even mean you're not healing. Being broken means you survived. It means you made it. It means you're strong.

Another one of my closest friends also said something that I felt so much meaning for last night. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he checked out my website. He texted me and said, "You are really wearing your heart on your sleeve...I wouldn't have the courage to do it...It is pretty courageous. Most people just don't want to look so vulnerable on the net. Myself included. But you seem to wear your problems like armor. They can't hurt you."

He's so right. They're both right. I may be broken, but I haven't stopped at broken. I've persevered to find my silver lining. I've continued this painful journey, hanging on to the hope that I will experience little bits of happiness and joy in between. My struggle is my armor. It's my strength. It's who I am and it's shaping who I'm becoming. They say God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers..or in my case, sailors.

It took me a year to finally start school. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, and I was terrified to take that step, but that first friend I mentioned was right - that's what I do. Unlike many, I do it anyway, even if I'm terrified. I always jump, no matter what.

People ask me how I got to where I am today...

I kept moving. I never stopped. No matter what, I made a decision. I kept making moves. I never know if I'm making the right decision, the right move - I just know I have to move. Because no one ever got anywhere standing still.

Harness your struggle, find that strength. It's already within you, you just have to find it and use it. Every day might be a battle, but being broken is a blessing - that means you have a shot at a silver lining.

- Kay