Virgin or Nah?

Since the start of Love over Lust, I've had several young females ask me to talk about being a virgin. I was specifically asked to write about how being a virgin in high school & on had affected me, personally. My response was this - I would love to, except it would be completely hypocritical to voice my opinion on being a virgin & it's affects, since I chose to lose my virginity at 16. So, I promised them I would write about how NOT being a virgin has drastically affected my life.

First off, I want to state that I was wrong. I was wrong, I have been wrong, I am wrong for giving away my purity, not just once, but over & over again. For those of us that believe in, & do our best to live by God's word, we all know that sex out of marriage is wrong, period. You can try to justify it all you want, but at the end of the day, it IS wrong. Does that stop most of us from doing it? Unfortunately, no. We live in a world where living by God has never been harder, & it gets worse every day. Sin is at its peak, & there's temptation around every single corner.

Before I tell my story, I want to share a good friend of mine, Jasmine's. She's what I like to refer as, one of my really close, amazing, spiritual friends. The conversations I have with her, are like no other conversations I have with other friends. We have a spiritual bond, & she's played a MAJOR part in my relationship with God, & is almost the entire reason I've changed so much, & definitely the reason I'm in my bible every day now...

"Regret. Shame. Stupid. How could I have done that? That's not me...

These are the thoughts I was thinking when I gave up my precious gift of purity. Purity was something I stood up for, something I believed in. It was something that was taught to me at a young age as I grew up in church. I didn't like the thought of it. When I was younger, people always called me ODD because I didn't really care much for boys. I mean, they're boys. Who cares? My thoughts always seemed to be set on marriage.

The Bible teaches in Proverbs 22, 'Train a child up in the way they should go, and it will never leave them.' I totally agree with this statement. It all stuck with me. When I did wrong, it reminded me, and even when I did right. I honestly appreciate that from my parents and grandmother. But what I didn't appreciate is when it convicts me.

That night when I lost my purity, I cried. It felt wrong and I knew that soon as it happened it set a negative motion in me and my world. How did sweet, shy, and quiet little Jasmine fall for this? Well, how can you make a promise to God to never do something when you aren't even saved? I was naive.

This decision has affected me GREATLY in such a negative way. People think it's nothing, oh no, it's SOMETHING. Something you don't want to deal with. Giving up my purity caused problems inside of me, and it followed me to my marriage. I was insecure, regretful, always thinking 'what if I would've waited?' It hurt, but I hurt myself. I always thought to myself if I wouldn't have been SO STUPID my love life would be better. I set this in motion when I could've resisted. When I should've resisted! And guess what? It didn't stop there, that negative spiral just kept spiraling. My sin led me to even deeper sin that I thought I would never forgive myself for.

But I am forgiven because I repented. I changed. I knew that the doom and wrath I was facingwas not going to be my destiny. What about you? What is your destiny? Is it that important to you to make a change today? Please think about it. We will all reap the seeds we have sown. If you are going in that negative spiral of doom with someone, view my blog post about relationships and I hope it is a blessing to you!"

I can completely relate to those feelings of shamefulness that Jas described. It's an awful feeling. And I'm not sure what the circumstances of her losing her purity were, but mine were under the worst of them.

Before I go further, did you notice how I was referring to it as virginity, while Jasmine was referring to it as purity? Typing that out made me really think.. Maybe if the world viewed it as purity instead of just virginity, perspectives could be changed. Because that's the thing about this world we live in, it's truly all about perspective. & that's the amazing thing about God, He gives us the CHOICE to CHOOSE our perspective. So, maybe if we focused on changing our perspective, we could ultimately create a better moral compass for ourselves.

Back to my circumstances - I lost my virginity when I was 16. & I'm saying virginity, because back then, I didn't even know what purity was, let alone the deep meaning behind it. I wasn't raised in church or by a bible. I'll never forget the night it all happened, & when I went home, my "mother" was actually excited for me, & wanted to hear about it. I never had any role models leading me to Christ growing up - none.

I lost my virginity, & took someone else's that night. We made a decision, to lose our virginity to each other. Why? I have no idea. There will never be a justified reason for this ridiculous decision I made. The worst part about it, was that he was a guy who was in an on & off relationship all throughout high school, with one of my girl friends. Them being on an "off" period, I was heartless & careless, & apparently saw it okay, to take the person that SHE loved, to take his virginity.

I broke her heart. Of course what we had done didn't stay a secret. Everyone knew within the week. & I broke her heart. That mistake I made has never left my mind. It's been 6 years, & I still feel guilty about what I did to myself, & what I did to her. & if you're reading this, I'm truly, truly sorry, for hurting you, & for ruining our friendship. I'm sorry for the person that I was back then. You even forgave me our senior year. You walked up to me one day at school, & you said "Hi, Kayla!" & smiled, completely genuinely, as if you were saying to me, "no hard feelings." That was the day that I learned about forgiveness. I was mindblown, that after what I'd done, you were so nonchalant about the situation. You went from hating me, to showing me kindness. You taught me about forgiveness. & for that I thank you.

Your purity, virginity, however you choose to look at it, IS important. It doesn't say in the bible why, at least not that I've read, & no one ever explains to us why it's important, but I can tell you. It's important because it's YOURS. & once you give that away, you're giving away a part of you, that you can never get back. The regret, shame, & guilt that comes with giving it away too soon, NEVER goes away. That decision I've made has led to a million other bad decisions. & I've been in this never ending cycle that I absolutely cannot escape.

What do we do once we've already given it away? What if it's too late? I don't know. Personally, I'm torn. Because I'm told I should repent, but how do I do that in this situation? Even if I wait until marriage, what does it matter? Does it REALLY make a difference since I've already ruined it? Well.. I think it does. & making that change has been a complete fail for me. It's something that's going to take so much strength & spiritual growth for me to repent.

This life can't go on without confession. & for those of you judging me, what are your sins? Because we all have them. & my theory is, God planned out what struggles we could deal with. He never gives us more than we can handle. This is just the battle that He's given me, & it's up to ME to win the battle. Like I said before, he gives us a choice. So we have to CHOOSE to be a good person, to live by Him, & make the right choice; enough has to be enough, & we have to grow close enough to Him, to where something inside of us just screams NO when temptation creeps in.

I encourage you to reach out to me directly, or Jasmine, or SOMEONE & talk to them about it on a more personal level. We ALL have our sins & struggles. You're not alone. You're not the first, & you're certainly not the last. & those of us who already made the mistake, it's up to us to pass our lesson, our story, down to the next ones, & inspire change. Maybe our mistakes can turn into a silver lining, by allowing us to help prevent others from making the same mistake.

Choosing love over lust is NOT easy, I'm living proof of it. Just remember that you have a God who loves you & forgives you.

Strength is beauty.

- Kay

-- Check out Jasmine's blog post here.

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