Why I've Been Single For Two Years

Single is such a harsh word these days. People don't just look at it as your marital status - they look at it as some sort of character flaw. But let me tell you something.. In a world where people are getting married & having children before you can even make it through high school, let alone your twenties - being single takes serious strength. Being single means you've chosen to be alone, & yes I say chosen. & do you know how hard it is to be alone when everyone around you isn't?

Not all situations are the same, but in my situation, I've definitely chosen to be single. & I've continued to make this decision for two years. I let people in, just a little, but once they start trying to push that door open all the way, I push back, ten times harder, & I lock that door & throw away the key. Just like that. I want it so bad, but I'm too scared to let it happen. I don't have a best friend, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have parents, & I don't even have my siblings anymore. I've lost everyone, & I think some of that loss is because of my own fear. Or maybe my fear is because of all of that loss..

Love doesn't hurt, people do. & I've been in so many different types of love, so many times, I'm straight up terrified. I don't know who to trust, & when I do start to trust I either see red flags or find my own reasons for why that person seems sketchy, which to be honest, I'm probably just making them up in my head to justify it for myself.

I'm 22 years old & I'm not getting any younger. Life is going by so quickly, I seriously can't even keep up. & when I pass the slightest warning sign of getting hurt, on this already bumpy, oneway road I'm on, I hit the brakes so fast I give myself whiplash.

I'm over here ready to live this life single & alone before I ever give my heart away again. I mean how many heartbreaks can one person take? It's exhausting, seriously, it's just downright exhausting & makes me sick to my stomach.

Whatever happened to trust & honesty, loyalty & commitment? Because when I look in the mirror every day, I see a woman so broken behind that big & bold smile, that'll never admit she just wants someone to come along & sweep her off her feet, prove her fear wrong, & tell her that everything's gonna be okay - because she deserves it.

She deserves it. I deserve it. You deserve it.

So then what happens when you decide to let that in? When you decide to shut down your fear & be brave? Because when I do, it seems to be at all the wrong times, in all the wrong places. I get too comfortable too quick. & once I feel like I'm not getting what I'm truly trying & giving in return, I bail. I hit those brakes so fast, jump out of the car, & I run. I run away & I don't look back because I don't even want to face my own vulnerability. It's too scary. Lust is so easy.. Love is hard..

So while I lay here at night, with Britt Nicole's "The Sun is Rising" in my ears, I tell myself that I'll figure it out. One day it'll all make sense. But until then.. This is why I've been single for two years, almost to the day.

I don't know how to choose love sometimes, when love won't choose me back.

Happy Single Anniversary.

- Kay

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